Debunking the myth of closeness in romance for what really gives desire a chance to ignite. Plus, join me for The Secrets of Desire on Monday!
Sex and Style is written by Certified Sexologist and Somatic Sex Coach Sarah Ward. This is intended as general advice. If you’d like a personalized guidance, I’d be honored to connect in a discovery session.
There’s a theory about what helps romantic relationships thrive that I don’t love.
John and Julie Gottman — you know the ones, the Seattle-based researchers behind the famous love lab studies — suggest that closeness is key. Merge your lives, your calendars, your email addresses. Come so close together that nothing can get between you. 😬
But here’s the kicker:
Although, nothing getting between you can mean that nothing can ignite between you, either.
When I got married at 22, I thought I knew what it meant to be a devoted wife. We’d spent four years in a long distance relationship, and once we were living together, I basically told my friends sayonara. (I know, I know… 🫣 Thank you for still loving me!!)
Not long after, I left my country and family behind. I followed him to the US. I made his dreams my priority.
I gave it all up (well, almost everything — I still kept my last name) because that’s what I’d been taught a woman does for love. It’s what my religion modeled for me.
For years, I merged with him in every way — emotionally, physically, spiritually.
Here’s what I know now.
Desire doesn’t live in closeness.
It lives in the space between.
Esther Perel teaches that erotic energy doesn’t thrive on sameness. It needs distance. Autonomy. A little mystery.
And I found that to be true when my husband started traveling for work. He was in Portland during the week, while I managed a team of creatives in Seattle, and side hustled at night. That space lit us up.
From a distance, I got to see him become himself. We missed each other. We sent flirty texts. Teased each other over FaceTime. When the weekend came, we couldn’t wait to be together again.
Though lived experience, I discovered a secret of desire: it doesn’t come from being close: It comes from learning how to be apart — and coming together on purpose.
And I want the same for you.
✨ On Monday, I’m hosting The Secrets of Desire, where I spill the tea on desire. It’s a free workshop for couples and individuals who want to reconnect to their erotic aliveness.
In The Secrets of Desire, you’ll learn the four pillars of desire, and other potent tools from my experience as a Sexologist and Erotic Blueprints™ Coach to help you reignite intimacy in a way that feels liberating, playful, and ripe with possibility.
🔥 Monday, April 7th
🔥 6pm – 7pm PST / 9pm – 10pm EST
🔥 Live on Zoom with yours truly
Because here’s the truth:
You don’t have to merge to be magnetic.
You don’t have to collapse to feel closeness.
You don’t have to lose your you to find the we.
Let’s leave behind the myth that desire fades after you’ve been together for a while.
Let’s learn the real secret: that desire grows when there’s room to breathe.
Join me!
Sex and Style is written by Certified Sexologist, Somatic Sex and Style Coach, Sarah Ward. She has spent the last 20 years studying human sexuality and minted it in 2021, certifying in the VITA™ Methodology with Layla Martin, and as an Erotic Blueprints™ Coach with Jaiya. For a personalized approach to pleasure, schedule a free call with Sarah.
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