Time for a gut check: Is “there’s no good men left” a belief that is serving you?
On my birthday weekend last June, I pile into the car with girlfriends to go on a desert sunset ritual. (Talk about magical šŖ)
As the engine roars to life, we spy a handsome stranger across the street, drilling a doggy bag garbage can into the telephone pole on the corner.
We exchange knowing glances.
āWho is that?!ā they ask.
āSomeone needs to date him!ā we agree.
Not only does he have well-defined biceps but a good heart. On a Saturday night, heās in his workout gear doing good deeds for his community.
As a heterosexual woman in the sex and relationship space, I hear a LOT of single women say:
āThere are no good men left.ā
Once we hit the halfway point of life (40 is the new 30, bb) we begin to encounter people with more baggage. People who have experienced significant loss: heartbreak, divorce, failed careers or businesses, health diagnosesā¦ Life can be brutal.
I feel you. During Covid, my home country closed its borders while I was going through a heart-wrenching separation and divorce. I had two gynecological surgeries within a year of each other. Iām a survivor.
And amid all that, I can attest that the human heart is resilient. We show up to work, even with our heavy hearts in tow. We walk our dogs, even when we feel numb. We go to therapy and burn through half a box of Kleenex. In time, we open our hearts to love again. We rise.
Iām concerned that this rhetoric of āThere are no good men leftā becomes a spell that prevents us from seeing the magic in the human beings all around us.
Just take a second to let that land.
āThere are no good men left.ā Is this a belief that is serving you? Or is it preventing you from meeting your next flame? Or romance? Or life partner?
The next time you find yourself thinking, āThere are no good men leftā, this is an opportunity to check yourself. This perspective can limit your ability to see the potential in men you encounter.
This might be hard to hear, but maybe whatās broken is your picker. Are you picking the wrong ones?
This is a chance to take a step back and examine your own patterns and expectations to see how youāre co-creating your reality.
Challenge limiting beliefs about love and relationships that may be holding you back. When you let go of these negative thoughts, you open yourself up to new possibilities and opportunities for love.
Iām grateful to know exemplary men.
They live in my neighborhood.
They raise sons and daughters to be good and kind.
They teach dance to teenagers at the local studio.
They make art for the sake of filling the world with beauty.
They volunteer in their communities.
They play softball in the league at the park down the block.
They subscribe to my Substack (I see you).
I was raised by one.
I am loved by one.
Sex and Style is a safe place on the internet to reclaim your eros. The focus here is on female sexuality and Iām proud to say that about 1/4 of our readership is male. (Proof they care.)
Important disclaimer: There are unsafe men in this world.
You donāt have to look very far to find evidence of this. Weāve all encountered them. So please be safe, discerning and aware.Ā
It’s important to acknowledge toxic masculinity. This harmful ideology often promotes aggression, dominance, and emotional suppression. This isnāt just a social hazard for women, but men as well.
A striking example of toxic masculinity is the tendency of some men to “mansplain” things to women in a patronizing way. As Rebecca Solnit describes in her essay Men Explain Things to Me that she later became a book, this behavior often stems from an assumption that women are less knowledgeable or capable than men.
This is curious, considering how in the west, the number of women seeking college degrees have surpassed their male counterparts. According to the National Student Clearinghouse Research Center, in the fall of 2022, 8.3 million women were undergraduate college students in the United States, compared to 6.1 million men.
The men who explain things to me don’t necessarily think I’m a lesser being, but they do unconsciously assume that I am a lesser being, and that their knowledge is the correct knowledge. It’s a kind of benevolent paternalism, a way of saying, āI’m going to take care of you, I’m going to explain things to you, because you wouldn’t understand them otherwise.ā
āRebecca Solnit
I experienced something similarĀ growing up in a Mormon church, where women were often relegated to supporting roles where their voices werenāt weighted the same as men’s. Men had the lionās share of leadership roles and authority. The women sitting on the stand at church were usually the organist or music conductor. This kind of benevolent patriarchy is harmful since it undervalues women’s contributions and impact.Ā
And then, there is narcissism. (Note: narcissism doesnāt have a gender, though toxic masculinity, with its emphasis on dominance and superiority, can lead to feelings of entitlement, making a fertile breeding ground for narcissism to bloom.)
Jimmy on Relationships has an incredible way of weaving humor into his messaging about important topics like love bombing and narcissism.
A post shared by @jimmy_on_relationships
What you want, wants you, too.
Maybe youāre a single person who has been doggedly looking for a partner. Iām a big believer that what you want, wants you, too.
Make a list of the characters that you are looking for in a partner. Then do an audit. How many of those characteristics do you possess? Embody the positive characteristics that youāre looking for. Live your life in a way where you call love in by being love.
A few years after her divorce, my Life Coach was looking for her next partner. She hired a Love Coach who gave her some life-changing advice:
Romance yourself
Buy yourself flowers
Take yourself out on a date
Do the things that will generate those feelings of love in you
And sure enough, she found him ā or maybe he found her.
Cultivating this kind of self-love can bring the kind of frequency into your field that makes you magnetic.
Then, let off the gas pedal. The best things happen when you arenāt looking for them.
I met the man who would become my husband on a random night in a chat room the summer before the twin towers fell. I wasnāt looking for forever, I was just having fun. We happened to be in the right place at the right time, and something sparked.
Since that relationship, Iāve kissed several frogs. I left one date after 36 minutes of incoherent conversation and hoped that he wouldnāt kidnap me on the way to the car. (I see him at my local coffee shop sometimes and avoid eye contact.)
Dating tip: I recommend setting up a phone call or FaceTime with a prospective date before meeting them IRL. See if thereās chemistry and mutual conversation. Then decide whether to meet up.
After a dating spell, love found me again, on Tinder, of all places. At the risk of looking silly quoting myselfā¦
Letās rewind. The handsome guy with the biceps in my neighborhood? One of our neighbors says heās gay. *sigh*
Someone needs to date him. Itās just not going to be one of the girls.
Sex and Style is written by Certified Somatic Sex and Relationship Coach and Wardrobe Stylist, Sarah Ward. She has spent the last 20 years studying human sexuality and minted it in 2021, certifying in the VITAā¢ Methodology with Layla Martin and as an Erotic Blueprintsā¢ Coach with Jaiya. Sarah was personally mentored by one of 10 Certified Image Masters in the world. She has styled over 5000 photo shoots and dressed thousands of bodies. Her work has been published in Seattle Met Bride and Groom and Womenās Wear Daily.
Love, Iām so glad youāre here. If something about this resonated with you, please press the heart ā„ļø button to help other people discover it, too.
Want support navigating this terrain? Schedule a free mini-session with me!
Read the Comments +