Babe, you can’t whisper your way into new desires. Say what you want and see what happens.

Sex and Style is written by Certified Sexologist and Somatic Sex Coach Sarah Ward. This is intended as general advice. If you’d like a personalized guidance, I’d be honored to connect in a discovery session. Schedule a session during April and get a free bonus on communication that has saved many a relationship! 

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Recently, I hosted a live masterclass called The Secrets of Desire, and people submitted their burning questions ahead of time. A few themes rose to the surface — ones I hear again and again in my coaching practice:

• How do I reintroduce myself erotically to my partner?
• How do I suggest kinkier things when we’ve never gone there before?
• How do I stay adventurous and lean into new versions of desire and play?

So how do you start the conversation?

(Because LBH if we knew how, we’d be doing it already.)

Sure, there’s erotica you can read. Spicy TikToks, if you’re on that side of the algorithm. Or maybe you find yourself casually mentioning a friend who’s trying out non-monogamy and waiting to see your partner’s reaction.

That was me. 

For four years I talked about friends opening their relationships, hoping my guy would read between the lines. He didn’t. 

Let me save you the slow burn of disappointment: 

Hinting is not the same as asking.

Desire needs language. Clarity. Safety.

A rut in your sex life is normal. But if you ignore it too long, it stops being a rut and can become a grave.

In my research for The Secrets of Desire, what stood out most wasn’t just what people wanted—but what they were afraid to want out loud:

• “There’s a fear of rejection or judgment when asking for what I desire.”
• “I’m scared of not being accepted.”

Believe me when I say, I get it.

Esther Perel puts it like this:

“It’s scary to be both erotically exposed and emotionally intimate with the same person. There’s a whole part of you that hasn’t yet entered the relationship.

This is the challenge of sexual intimacy, of bringing home the erotic. It is the most fearsome of all intimacies because it’s so all-encompassing. It reaches the deepest places inside us and involves disclosing aspects of ourselves that are invariably bound up with shame and guilt. It is scary — a whole new kind of nakedness far more revealing than the sight of our nude bodies. 

When we express our erotic yearnings, we risk humiliation and rejection which are equally devastating.” 

So what’s one way to lower the stakes and make it easier?

Peruse a sexy menu together.

It’s a low-pressure, high-reward way to explore. A simple exercise that lets you scan a sexy menu, check some boxes, and see where your curiosities overlap.

What starts as a quiet “maybe” can turn into a thrilling “yes.” And suddenly, you’re not stuck — you’re in motion. 

I created a nine-page erotic menu full of delicious possibilities you can explore solo or with a partner. From the romantic to the risqué, the playful to the taboo — it’s all there. 

There’s something powerful about having a printed list in front of you. Instead of trying to muster up the courage to say, “I want to try role play” or “I’m curious about prostate stimulation” or “What would it be like to explore power dynamics?” — you just check a box. Or three. Or thirty. 

A neutral, printed list makes the conversation feel playful instead of pressurized. There’s no need to shrink or overexplain — you’re just… exploring. Together. 

Want the menu?

Paid subscribers of Sex and Style get instant access to the full nine-page menu pluslifetime access to The Secrets of Desire replay (normally $22). 

Upgrade today and start building your sexy bucket list.Subscribed

Not for your partner. For you.

Desire isn’t something you have. It’s something you practice.

Have fun, lovers! 💦 

Sex and Style is written by Certified Sexologist, Somatic Sex and Style Coach, Sarah Ward. She has spent the last 20 years studying human sexuality and minted it in 2021, certifying in the VITA™ Methodology with Layla Martin, and as an Erotic Blueprints™ Coach with Jaiya. For a personalized path to pleasure, schedule a free call with Sarah.

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