Unveiling the Momtok sex scandal and exploring themes of sex, shame, and consent.
When you grow up in a high demand religion like Mormonism as I did, sex is something that is always kept under wraps.
When my sex drive started to rise like a phoenix as a tween, my desire took flight. The church tried to stamp out this carnal impulse, but as Carl Jung notably said, what we resist persists.
So when we get a glimpse into the secret sex lives of Mormon women, everyone takes notice. 👀
Two years ago, a Mormon TikTok group of hot moms called Momtok were involved in a sex scandal that broke the internet. This led to Hulu snatching up the story and producing a reality TV show called The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, airing now.
After surviving the sexual repression of Mormonism, seeing the Momtok women explore their desires and challenge societal norms feels cathartic. As you may agree, the desire to explore is not unique to Mormons, but a shared human experience.
The things that are off limits have a powerful allure — forbidden fruit, if you will. As a reformed good girl, I’ve felt the allure of the forbidden and kinky (this is actually one of the fun perks of religious trauma — more kinks! Helloooo, silver lining!).
Kink doesn’t just means head to toe latex or foot fetishes. Let’s redefine kink as anything that feels taboo for you.
Welcome, love. Sex and Style is a weekly publication by a Sex Educator and Somatic Coach to help fill in the gaps of your sex education. It’s a pleasure having you here.
In case you missed the Momtok drama, let me to catch you up to speed:
(PS: if you couldn’t care less about Momtok, but wanna know the through line and how this applies to you, scroll down!)
- Taylor Frankie Paul founded a group of hot Mormon moms called Momtok. They capitalize on looking like fire, securing brand deals that fund their families and botox, and make TikTok dance videos that go viral.
- While they share Mormonism as their religion, the group has a division of “saints” and “sinners” with varying degrees of observance to the church’s strict rules, such as:
- modesty (wearing clothes that cover your body)
- the law of chastity (only having sex within the confines of marriage)
- the Word of Wisdom (no drinking, smoking or coffee — but Diet Coke is fine)
- The Momtok group and their spouses would hang out and have wild parties filled with drinking and debauchery.
- This led to what Taylor called “soft swinging” (Not an official term, though swinging refers to swapping sexual partners.)
- How it started: At one drunken party, one of the husbands said, “You girls should kiss,” and then it was on. The rules were that the spouses would be in the same room as they “hooked up” with other people. Taylor defined this as everything except intercourse, including oral sex.
- Taylor caught feels for another husband: “It wasn’t like I was going around like hooking up with my friend’s husband. It was like, we were at a party, I got belligerent, and we went and messed around by ourselves rather than the whole group.”
- She announced this scandal to her followers on a TikTok live, against the backdrop of a brand new house that she had just moved into solo with her two kids. “To be honest, we had an agreement, like all of us, and I did step out of that agreement.”
- Taylor divorced her husband; there was another soft swinging-related divorce.
- Taylor said of Momtok, “no one was innocent, everyone participated.” However, in E1 of TSLOMW, many of them seemed incredulous that the soft swinging had been happening.
As I watched The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, there was a twinge of… [*tries to put her finger on that feeling of…*] AH. Envy.
I was born and raised in the Mormon church and until my 30s, strictly followed the high bars that the church set. (This eroded in later years; I left the church in 2016.)
Watching these women do what they want felt revolutionary: they’re paving their own paths. They cut themselves a lot of slack to wear and do as they please. The written-in-stone commandments seem more like suggestions.
- Wearing garments? (Mormon modesty underwear that they are given at the temple when taking covenants with God.) If it makes sense with your outfit.
- Abiding by the Word of Wisdom (ie: not drinking, smoking)? Maybe.
- Swapping and soaking? (P in V penetration without thrusting.) Depends who you ask!
- Looking hot AF? Non-negotiable.
Ironically, if you’re familiar with the Mormon mythos, polygamy was an integral part of the early church. Polygamy was instigated by its founder Joseph Smith in the 1830s. He claimed it was a commandment from God, given as a way to seal the human family together so everyone could be saved and live forever with God.
Since there weren’t many eligible men in the church at the time, the ones that were got to pony up and take on more wives. This was seen as a “sacrifice” for the good of the community. Lucky them.
All well and good for consenting adults, except it also included Joseph Smith propositioning a teenage girl1 with a line that went something like: “I have been commanded by an angel of the Lord to take you as a wife.” Basically if she said no to his marriage proposal and bedding him, he would be struck dead. A convenient cover. Meanwhile, her prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for decision-making and regulating emotions) is still developing.
I have a flashback of watching the TV show Waco where David Koresh, the charismatic leader of the Branch Davidians cult (serving major Joseph Smith vibes). He claimed to be making a “sacrifice” for the good of the group by having sex with the women in the cult and raising children with many of them. He restricted the sexual activities of the men (read: their husbands) and demanded that the wives submit to him sexually. Cool. This cult thing really seems to work for some dudes.
The church faced tremendous persecution at the time for polygamy, which ultimately led to the prophet Joseph Smith’s death and Brigham Young moving the saints to Utah, where they would settle.
My friends’ great great great great grandmother was one of Joseph Smith’s polygamous wives. Tension drove her out of the Smith home since Emma, Joseph’s first wife, was not a fan of polygamy2. Surprise!
My friend’s ancestor3 later went on to marry Brigham Young and have children by him. She and her cohort were the original Secret Lives of Mormon Wives — pre-Hulu.
Is Taylor Frankie Paul the revenge fantasy of our polygamist-wife ancestors? Is she our sister-wife ancestors’ dream? Hard to say, but possibly??
Lane Anderson of Matriarchy Report
Curiously, after her divorce, Taylor said to her new boo, “Oh, I don’t want share you!”
You’re invited to join Lane Anderson, Celeste Davis and me next Saturday, October 12th eve for a live chat on this very topic!
Talk Mormon Wives and Trad Lives and Sex and Patriarchy
in a live chat your favorite Mormon-adjacent Substackers –BYODC (Diet Coke)
Subscribers will get an official invite via the Substack Chat.
Get the deets for the 10/12 gathering
Let’s unpack what impacts satisfying sex lives for Mormon women — and women who have grown up in conservative evangelical religions and contexts.
Sexual Shame
Sexual shame is a pervasive damaging force. Since many churches teach abstinence and chastity, going against the grain can lead to intense feelings of guilt and shame. I would even suggest that the church weaponizes shame as a tool in their arsenal to control its members. Conveniently, when you’re caught in a shame loop, you don’t have time to question the tenants of your faith.
While [nearly] anything goes once you’re married (according to the church), decades of enforced abstinence and purity culture doesn’t suddenly lead women to unleashing their inner sex kittens in the bedroom. Many couples continue to feel the harmful effects of toxic shame once crossing the threshold into married life.
In case you’ve experienced something similar, believe me when I say it’s possible to heal from sexual shame. Working with a therapist or coach can help you to unravel beliefs that aren’t serving you.
Wanna unravel religious shame?
The Allure of Open Relationships
Since a lot of Mormon couples haven’t had a wide array of sexual experiences before settling down (a significant number of Mormon couples are virgins when they get married), they haven’t had a chance to, well, fuck around and find out.
As human beings, we crave novelty. The promise of new experiences can be particularly alluring for couples who may feel trapped in routine or unfulfilling relationships.
So having a chance to swing or dabble in an open context can be highly appealing: you theoretically get to keep your life and partner while you explore: have your cake and eat it, too!
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) encompasses a range of relationship structures that allow partners to have consensual romantic or sexual encounters outside of their primary relationship. This can include open relationships, polyamory and swinging.
It can be challenging to navigate when a couple begins as monogamous and then decides to open things up later on. Jealousy, sharing, STIs, oh my! Open and honest communication is critical when navigating the complexities of ENM.
For religious couples to engage in ENM goes against the societal grain and carries a lot of social stigma. Couples may choose to explore in a low-key manner to protect themselves the judgment that could come from their communities.
When you start to do something that has been previously off limits, once Pandora’s out of the box, good luck getting her back in again.
A lot can change after you spend ten years saying no and ten second saying yes.
(Sidebar: This is not advocating you try non-monogamy — unless you want to. It’s not for everyone. Choose the relationship structure that works best for you and your partner.)
Comprehensive Sex Education
When you grow up in a conservative context, abstinence becomes the sorry excuse for sex education. And if there was sex-ed in your school, chances are that it was infused with fear: Pregnancy! STDs! Slut shaming!
Do you know how to have an orgasm? A lot of women don’t, and it breaks my heart. Layla, 22, the tall, stunning Black woman on TSLOMW, confessed to having had two babies and never having experienced the bliss of an orgasm.
And that’s where sex educators like me come in. Layla, love — this one’s for you.
Knowledge is power. When you know how your body works, then you are empowered to experience more pleasure in the bedroom. When you understand that all labias are different, then you can feel confident in your own skin. And when you have open and honest communication about what you desire with your lover, you can create deeper intimacy and connection.
Where did things go sideways for Momtok?
Consent! Consent is to give permission to engage in a particular activity, like sex. It is an essential ingredient for any healthy relationship. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, even during the act.
When you’re feeling safe and comfortable during a pre-sex talk, this is an opportunity to voice your yes or no.
- Consent conversations. The lines established at the Momtok parties were blurry at best. Deep into drinking, the idea is surfaced, and they’re off to the races.
- Consent around talking about it publicly. When Taylor went on a TikTok live to divulge the soft swinging without consulting her friends, Momtok descended into chaos. They were unprepared for the allegations and many quickly distanced themselves from her.
So how does any of this apply to you?
Even if you’re not going to swinging parties, I promise there’s practical application! As a Somatic Sex Coach, I recommend that consent conversations happen early and often. Consent isn’t a one time conversation, even in a long-standing relationship.
Before an intimate experience, sit down with your partner/s and discuss the following:
- What are your desires?
- What are your expectations?
- What is a yes for you?
- What is a no for you?
This could sound like:
- “I’m down to kiss and touch. Breasts are okay, but genitals are off limits tonight. What about you?”
- “I’m pretty tired and don’t have a lot of energy for a full sex session, though would be open to mutual masturbation.”
- “I would love to explore X today, and would love plenty of time to warm up and get my body turned on.”
- “Are there any activities / body parts that you’re not comfortable with me touching?”
Here’s a few scenarios that might be useful:
- New partners: “Since this is our first time, let’s take things slowly and communicate openly about our desires and boundaries.”
- Exploring new activities: “I’m interested in trying something new. Would you be open to exploring X? Let’s talk about what that might look like and make sure we’re both comfortable.”
If you don’t say what you’re a yes and no to, it can be very easy for those lines to be crossed in the moment and for people to be hurt in the process. Consent conversations allow you to set yourself up for success in the bedroom.
As women, we wield so much sexual power — more than we know. When I began to have new experiences, this became crystal clear. The church knows this: it’s why young women are expected to dress modestly, to keep men in line.
The Momtok scandal is a reminder that we all have the right to explore our sexuality on our own terms. While monogamy is our culture’s standard default for relationships, you get to evaluate whether it work for you and your love. Maybe you’re where what you’ve always wanted. Or perhaps you have desires to negotiate something different.
This is your one, wild life. How will you live and love?
Sex and Style is written by Certified Somatic Sex and Relationship Coach and Wardrobe Stylist, Sarah Ward. She has spent the last 20 years studying human sexuality and minted it in 2021, certifying in the VITA™ Methodology with Layla Martin, and as an Erotic Blueprints™ Coach with Jaiya. Sarah was personally mentored by one of 10 Certified Image Masters in the world. She has styled over 5000 photo shoots and dressed thousands of bodies. Her work has been published in Seattle Met Bride and Groom and Women’s Wear Daily.
I’m so glad you’re here. If something about this resonated with you, please press the heart ♥️ button — each one feels like a virtual hug! If this was supportive for you, please consider becoming a free or paid subscriber to keep posts like this coming.
Read the Comments +