Welcome home the parts of you that were left behind
Welcome to Sex and Style! This is a weekly publication written by Certified Sex and Relationship Coach and Wardrobe Stylist, Sarah Ward. Posts go out on Mondays.
The chill in the air signals the start of witching season, where we don costumes and step into new identities. While we binge watch scary movies for a rush of adrenaline, and answer the door to strangers on Halloween night, is there anything truly scarier than meeting our shadow selves?
Speaking of scary… I’ve seen the church excommunicate people who were painful reminders of its shadows — think feminists, LGTBQ+ people, and free-thinkers. It’s often easier to divorce ourselves from what we don’t like, than to create space for healing and integration.
Our lives and experiences are microcosms of the collective, the nation, and the world. When we are confronted with aspects of society that are unsettling, we may feel triggered to respond with anger, gaslighting, blame, or judgment — toward others and ourselves. This inner chaos mirrors the turbulence we see on the global stage. (Look no further than the presidential election season, the spookiest time of all 😱)
JFK is known for famously saying, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”
The most significant act we can offer our communities is to integrate the uncomfortable parts of ourselves.
If the chaos we see globally reflects our internal chaos, then by cultivating inner peace, we can help create peace on a larger scale.
Here’s a ritual practice I guide my coaching clients through:
- Imagine sitting at a grand table, like King Arthur’s Round Table, where you are the sovereign ruler.
- Gather around you at the table all the facets of your personality: the inner child, the victim, the saboteur, the hero, the shadow, and the judge.
- Let each part of you to have a say for how to live your life.
What makes us so complex as human beings is that we each contain a multitude. There are so many different voices and selves contained inside of us.
You may identify with certain parts of yourself, the parts that are appealing and “on brand” with who you want to be, while shoving the others into the shadows.
But what we disown becomes our shadow self.
In tantra, everything is conscious – even our shame and shadow. When we feel discomfort, it’s tempting to silence those parts of ourselves – like the catchy song from The Book of Mormon Musical: “Turn it off, like a light switch. Just go click! It’s a cool little Mormon trick!”
But shoving these feelings only makes them bubble back up again, like trying to keep a floatie underwater.
This ritual practice invites you to be a benevolent ruler, giving every part of yourself a seat at the table. Honor the wisdom inside each facet of your being. This integration has the power to be truly transformative.
Want support with your shadows?
I’m a Certified Somatic Sex Coach and have a few openings for clients.
Snag a 30-minute session to see if we’d be a good fit.
Let’s put something on the calendar!
Now you might be wondering, what does this have to do with sexuality?
Our culture is filled with fear and resistance around sexual expression. Deep desires may feel too scary to explore, blocking your access to pleasure and intimacy that is your birthright.
My teacher, Layla Martin, reminds us that we must:
“go where there is the most resistance. Go where you have the most conditioning. Go where God is the least and find your access point there.”
If you can find liberation in the very places you fear, think of how powerful that makes you!
As you excavate these deep-seated beliefs, you’ll begin to awaken your most vibrant self. Unraveling conditioning brings more of you online and helps you to become your most vibrant self.
All of you is valid.
Even the parts that you have denied and repressed.
All of you belongs.
Even your shadow self.
All of you deserves a seat at the table.
Even the disowned places.
All of you gets to have a voice.
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This Halloween, consider the power of costumes as an act of reclamation.
Just as we don masks and transform our identities, we can embody the parts of ourselves we’ve long neglected. Scorpio season is an invitation to shamanically shapeshift, welcoming all aspects of our being into the light.
That’s what I did at the Bal Erotique for Pleasure Island last weekend: showing up as my Dark Phoenix Rising, embodying the darkness that I’ve both flirted with and fled from over the years. It was electrifying to move through the space as her.
A post shared by @sarahward.co
When we learn to tolerate the discomfort and integrate the denied and repressed parts of ourselves, we become whole.
When we make space in ourselves, we make space for others.
Sex and Style is written by Certified Somatic Sex and Relationship Coach and Wardrobe Stylist, Sarah Ward. She has spent the last 20 years studying human sexuality and minted it in 2021, certifying in the VITA™ Methodology with Layla Martin, and as an Erotic Blueprints™ Coach with Jaiya. Sarah was personally mentored by one of 10 Certified Image Masters in the world. She has styled over 5000 photo shoots and dressed thousands of bodies. Her work has been published in Seattle Met Bride and Groom and Women’s Wear Daily.
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